Anger and Grief

You live with someone for years. That person gets on your nerves. As s/he gets older, s/he becomes more annoying. You ask yourself if your life would be better off with this person or without. Your spouse’s health is failing. They aren’t able to hear you the way they did before. Basic simple functions like bathing become more tiresome. Compassion fatigue sets in.

You aren’t in the best of health either. Aches and pains are making life miserable. You never learned to cope with your emotions. You might feel #frustration because you can’t do what you always did. You need more help. But you never learned how to #askforhelp. You let it foment inside you life a tornado.

You become #angry maybe take it out on your loved one by screaming and crying. You never learned how to deal with sadness either. The more your health deteriorates and your spouse’s health deteriorates the more frustrated and the more angry you become.

Maybe it was never a great relationship to begin with. Marriage happened because you were lonely. Parents wanted you to get married. Everyone else got married. The children came and you wanted to stay married for them. But you are miserable. Maybe your spouse was abusive or maybe a giving person but you were never able to appreciate your spouse’s giving nature. Perhaps you thought it was their weakness. You thought less of that person.

Perhaps, this person is your mother and father. The Torah says honor your mother and father. But how do you do that when your parent is a horrible human being. Maybe they were abusive. As they got sick they wanted you to care for them despite how they treated you in the past.

And then s/he died.

What now? Can you ever see your spouse for who he or she was? Can you see and appreciate their sense of humor? Can you see that he or she was only a product of their upbringing.? Can you ever forgive them? Can you #forgive yourself? Can you move beyond the #anger and #resentment?
I always feel that #grief is like learning to live in another country that you are forced to live in. The terrain is different, the language is different and the people are different. But you can learn how to adjust in the land of grief. I can show you how. #chayalernerlcsw.